You know the drill, but it still sucks.

I was deep in my thirties when I realized that some people are definitely different than me. Most of the times I feel like I’m in the “wrong” because of my autism, but this time I felt like they were definitely in the wrong. I was looking for some videos on YouTube, when I ran into ASMR videos. No, that’s not the weird part. The weird part was the topic of the video. “ASMR You visit a dentist” or some shit. Anyway, the summary was that you’d visit the dentist and that this would be “relaxing” to enough people to make videos about them.

I was shocked. Bewildered. Bamboozled. Befuddled. Dumbfounded. Stupefied. Who on this green and blue earth could enjoy this kind of content?

The source of my bewilderment, as you might expect, is that I think these videos are far from relaxing. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to deduct where this is coming from, but in case you need a hint it’s because I really don’t like visiting the dentist. Thanks autism!

No, really, thanks autism.

But in the most sarcastic way, possible. As you might have guessed, most of the reasons I don’t like visiting the dentist are related to my autism and things related to it. The mayor issue is that visiting the dentist is a sensory nightmare for many reasons related entirely to the profession of dentists and things dentists do.

In no particular order, here are the reasons why I struggle with visiting a dentist.

Being judged by someone

When you are visiting a dentist, you sign yourself up to be judged. Well, to have them judge your teeth specifically. After all that’s what you are paying them for. It’s one of those things that gives me anxiety. What is the dentist going to discover? I’m not the world’s best brusher, so are they going to find something and comment on it? You’ll basically sit in a hot seat to be judged. It’s like you’re the central guest of a roast but there’s nothing funny happening.

Sounds. Inside my head.

Some people suggest to put on music or something else that’s relaxing when visiting a dentist. It makes me wonder how much experience they have with, you know, visiting the dentist. Even if you’re wearing your earplugs and listen to something pleasant, it won’t block out the sounds. Because the sounds are happening inside your head. The sound of the drills, the weird vacuum cleaners for saliva, it’s all happening and resonating in your skull and there’s no way to block it. Talk about annoying!

Stuff. In my mouth.

Those sounds are associated with something else that makes me uncomfortable. Things inside my mouth doing things. You can’t exactly ignore the drill or the saliva sucker 3000 because they’re very much inside you and your tongue wants to touch them. Because it wants to touch everything in your mouth. It’s a problem. It just isn’t a very pleasant experience.

Recently, I had to go to a different dentist, and this guy had an assistant who actually does things. She helped him operate some of the tools that I can’t define and as a result, there were two people putting things in my mouth that I didn’t want to be inside of it. Which directly leads to the following point…

People up in my face

I don’t enjoy the idea of someone being inches away from my face. Of the things on this list it’s probably the thing I care about the least, because it mostly gets tuned out by the other sensations. But when I visited this other dentist, there were two people near my face. Which is the amount of people that makes my brain register it and go “I am not enjoying this and this is stressing me out.”

I have no idea what’s happening

Dentists aren’t always the best at explaining what it going to happen. Most of the time they’ll start on a procedure and the only thing they tell you is “I’m going to sedate you”. Why are all those devices in my mouth? What are they doing? What step of the process are they in?

I don’t know, and my brain wants to know. But it doesn’t, so I try to tune out the thoughts by thinking of something else than the mouth murder mystery but it never really works. I am not expecting them to explain every step of the way, but at least some basic information would be nice. I’m thinking of things like “I’m putting this around your tooth for the filling. The laser thing is to harden your filling. I’m staring because I can’t see your tooth well, let me scoot a little closer.

You know, things the autistic “I need to know the process” mind wants to know.

My body starts misbehaving

Another thing is that the body parts in my mouth run amuck when visiting the dentist. My tongue feels a deep desire to touch anything even if it’s not the best of idea. And my mouth has this deep, non-negotiable urge to swallow constantly, which you’re not allowed to do, apparently. And my mouth wants to close itself in response to all the strange activities and that’s not good either. There’s a lot of obsessive activity going on in my mouth area and it’s annoying. Because I know the dentist isn’t happy with it. But my mouth members aren’t happy with the dentist being there and are supported by my brain. It’s a fight with no winner.

There’s more reasons to make this a nightmare experience. Like having to stare into a light for a long time. Lying down on an unpleasant chair. Having to make an appointment with a dentist. The sound of the drill before it’s your turn. Becoming painfully aware of how you are a mortal being and replacement teeth are just metal drilled into your skill. Is there no end to the horrors of a dentist visit?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m always happy if I visited the dentist and my problem is resolved. I feel this weird sense of thankfulness despite the fact that I have to pay them to suffer in their chair for half an hour. I’m happy when the problem is solved.

But even then, it takes me some sweet time to really relax. So if it’s all the same to you, if you’re one of those people who finds ASMR dentist videos relaxing… good for you, but I don’t want to hear it! While you enjoy them, I’ll be over here, trying not to swallow, clench, flinch, or panic while someone pokes around in my mouth with medieval torture devices. Different strokes for different folks. Just know that if you get your thrills from drills, I’ll never understand and won’t even pretend to.