Macbook Pro. Because I’m worth it.

A week before the new year, my dad who’s also my employer caught me lingering in the Apple section of a well-known electronic retail store. I was admiring the new Macs and had wondered into a wonderland of “I bet these would be so fast if I would start developing Apple apps”. That’s mostly what it was, “what if”-ing, because I didn’t really *need* a new laptop. He caught me anyway and asked what I was looking for. I said I was looking at the new Macs because I was thinking about picking up app development to expand on our web app, CATS.

He aksed whether I needed a new Mac Studio or Macbook. I said “Not really.” I didn’t need one becauxse I could keep developing on my current setup, which includes the Macbook Pro I’d been given in 2018. It was still fast and still got the job done most of the time, although its job of “main machine” had been overtaken by a custom Dell (I switch between main devices from time to time just because I suddenly think “I should main a Mac again”).

But did I want one? And would it help me do my job better?

I said I wouldn’t say “no” to one but that it wasn’t neccessary because I could still do my job with the setup I had.

My dad ended up ordering me a new Macbook Pro anyway, and that left me anxited. If you don’t know what that word means, worry not. Because I completely made it up. It’s the contrasting feeling of anxiety and excitement that I felt. The excitement part is evident: “Yay, new laptop!”

The anxiety came from the purchase and now having to internally justify the new laptop. My old Macbook has technically been written off financially a few years ago, that’s not the problem. The issue lied with accepting that a significant amount of money had been spent on me.

I’m not great at determining my own value, so any money spent on me would feel like a big ask even when I’m not the one making the ask. Even when the money is spent to help me better do my job. Why would they spent money on me, a simple developer? Surely there’s better ways to spend that money.

It’s not that hard to guess where this undervaluation of myself comes from. As a person with autism, I haven’t exactly had the easiest time on the job market. At some point, some people made it very clear what they thought my value was, compared to “normal” employees. One time my job counsellor who was supposed to represent me told me that I couldn’t frown over the salary “offer” – which was non-negotionable, by the way – because I should be happy I was given a chance. I should be happy I was hired (as a man with 15 years of experience in IT at that point). The “Who else would possibly hire you?” was only implied, of course. So I signed a contract for what I sarcastically call “IT minimum wage”.

A few years later, I was let go by the same company because they didn’t know “what to do with me”. It was part of a political game, but the excuse they used stung. They didn’t know what to do with me? A man with more than 15 years of experience in IT who had added certificates for Pentesting and had started developing internal enterprise-y applications during my job? Of course the real reason was they didn’t *want* to manage me, because the sort of person that couldn’t find guidelines and structure in a company that didn’t exist wasn’t that fun to manage.

You too would start internalizing the idea of “Maybe I’m a hack” for less – a problem I already struggled with at that point.

Buying a Macbook Pro for someone you think is a hack does feel like a waste of money, doesn’t it?

But the reality of my carreer is that I’ve proven my worth over and over. I’ve implemented and designed solutions for comanies across sectors and sizes. From helping SMB’s to manage their IT to developing solutions for a big sports brand, BEL-20 companies and building some fairly niche apps in C# and Laravel, I’ve done it all. On average, everyone was very happy with the quality and speed of what was delivered. If there’s any complaint I had it was that I would fix things faster than they anticipated and then forgot to update them. Hey, I never said I was perfect.

The matter of fact is that the only person I’ve ever dissapointed during my IT career was myself, because of unhealthy expectations on my behalf. And maybe that one client who I refused to send a new wireless mouse and keyboard because A) that wasn’t my job and B) she didn’t order those.

All in all, I *am* very much the type of employee worth investing in and not just for tax and subsidy reasons (thanks, autism). So investing in a new laptop for me makes sense. And yes, buying new tools like laptops for your IT people is an investment and not just a cost. Just like buying new powertools or a new company van is an investment if it helps your employees get their work done.

I guess the bottom line of this post is that I’m trying to justify the purchase of the new laptop and came to the conclusion that I’m “worthy” of the new laptop. It will take some time to get used to the new laptop, but it won’t take as long as the time I’ll need to accept the idea that I’m worthy of a new laptop.

This post was brought to you by “My entire desk is occupied by two Macbooks and I can’t do any work” and “Well, I do have a notebook of the papier variety and a pen available to me, I’m sure there’s something I could do in the meanwhile”, partnering with “Self doubt powered by autism”.